Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and
one's a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has
last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!...Aim!! ..."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is
startled and looks around. She escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any
last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim!!..."
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is startled and looks
around. She escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and
the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the
executioner shouts, Ready! ... Aim!! ..."
...and the blonde yells, "FIRE!!
The after-dinner speaker just didn't have a Stop
button. He burbled on and on and on, oblivious
to his increasingly restless audience. Finally
one of the more drunken diners hurled an empty
wine bottle at him. It missed, and hit the Chairman
As the Chairman slid slowly to the floor clutching
his head, he was heard to murmur, "Hit me again,
I can still hear him."
BLACK & WHITE
This was written by a black guy in Texas.. What a great sense of humor .
When I born, I black,
when I grow up, I black,
when I go in sun, I black,
when I cold, I black,
when I scared, I black,
when I sick, I black,
and when I die, I still black.
You white folks....
when you born, you pink,
when you grow up, you white,
when you go in sun, you red,
when you cold, you blue,
when you scared, you yellow,
when you sick, you green,
when you bruised, you purple,
and when you die, you gray.
So who you callin' colored folk's ???
A golfer was about to tee off when a second golfer
approached and asked if he could join him. The first
said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said,
"We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a
hole?" The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but
agreed to the term.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his
$80, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a
neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro
got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to
bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to mass on Sunday and
make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father
along, I'll marry them."
Doctor Asks the Nurse
" How's the new patient feeling?"
"Oh, he's much better," she replied, "he started talking this morning."
"What did he say?"
"He said he was feeling much worse."
What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her she is pregnant?
Is it mine?
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he
sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll
have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and waitress turns to the ostrich,
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40
please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says," I'll
have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says," I'll have the
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This
becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,"
says the man," same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says," That will be
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How
do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket
"Well," says the man," several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks," One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers," My second wish was for a tall chick
with long legs who agrees with everything I say"
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She
went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said
to her, "if you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The
woman freed the frog.
The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a
condition to your wishes -- whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10
times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful
woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM -- she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The
frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he
will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine."
So, KAZAM -- she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like a
mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever -- don't mess with them.
Typist: An interviewer asked, "Can you operate a typewriter?"
"Yes, sir, I use the Biblical system."
"I never heard of it."
"Seek and ye shall find."
There is a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out and a man is standing
there. The man is about to speak when he suddenly disappears. After a short
time there is another knock. St. Peter opens the door, sees our man and
snaps at him before he disappears.
"Are you playing games?"
"No, they are just trying to resuscitate me."
This is an actual letter sent to a Bank in the US. The Bank thought
it amusing enough to publish in the New York Times.
Dear Sir or Madam
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations
some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds
needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has
only been in place seven or eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting
my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused
to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to re-think my errant financial ways.
You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these
unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2000, taking as my
model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of
no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the
impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity
which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore
and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank,
by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee
of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it
is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open
such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am
sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot
be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number
of button presses required to access my account balance on your
phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing
you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very
much like yours. My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only
person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at
any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing
Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guide through an extensive
set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
Extension #of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
Extension # of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
Extension # of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 9.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The
Best Of Woody Guthrie:.......
"Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for"
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual
contact will probably know it off by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your
bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater
efficiency comes at a cost - a cost which you have always been
quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing
some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me.
will read for a fee of $20 per page.
Inquiries from your nominated
contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter
of the penalty for the dishonored cheque, will be passed back to
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody
Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to
keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous time.
Good Day and Thank-you.