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POEM FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER 40
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-in. floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

A NERD'S PRAYER
Bill is my programmer, I must not gate crash.
He installed his windows on the hard disk of my heart;
Not all of his commands are user-friendly.
His directory guides me to the direction of his choice, for his bank's sake.
When I scroll through the problems of life, I will fear his bugs,
for he is always at my back.
His password confounds me.
He prepares a menu before me in the absence of his competitors.
His OS is always a keystroke away.
Surely goodness and mercy must shield me all the days of my life,
for my file is merged with his,
and be condemned forever.

TOP 10 SIGNS TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS

10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom, and
check your email on the way back to bed.

9. Your firstborn is named dotcom.

8. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling
of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

7. You spend half of a plane trip with you laptop in your lap...and
your child in the overhead compartment.

6. You decide to stay in college for an additional
year or two, just for the free Internet access.

5. You find yourself typing "com" after every (.)period.

4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

3. You move into a new home and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

DRUM ROLL PLEASE

AND THE NO. 1 SIGN THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS:

1. Immediately after reading this list, you email it to someone.

DEAR DOC PC
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began to take up any and all available resources. No mention of this was included in the product literature. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs where it monitors system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 8.1 and Beerbash 3.02 for workgroups are no longer able to run at all, crashing the system whenever selected.
I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program.
Can you help?

GENESIS

#In the beginning was the computer. And God said: Let there be light!

#You have not signed on yet, God.
#Enter user password

:Omniscient.

#Password Incorrect. Try again!
#Enter user password

:Omnipotent.

#Password Incorrect. Try again!
#Enter user password

:Technocrat.

#And God signed on 12:01 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
:Let there be light!

#Unrecognizable command. Try again!
:Create light.

#Done.
:Run heaven and earth.

#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:02 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Monday, March 2.
:Let there be firmament in the midst of the water and....

#Unrecognizable command! Try again!
:Create firmament.

#Done.
:Run firmament.

#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and
let the dry land appear and ....

#Too many characters in string specification! Try again.
:Create dryland.

#Done!
:Run dryland.

#And God created Earth and Seas. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night.

#Unspecified type. Try again!
:Create sunmoonstars.

#And God created Sun, Moon, Stars. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54:00.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
:Create fish.

#Done.
:Create fowl.

#Done.
:Run fish'nfowl.

#And God created the great seamonsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged
fowl after its kind. 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Friday, March 6.
:Create cattle.

#Done.
:Create creepy things.

#Done.
:Now let us make man in our image.

#Unspecified type! Try again.
:Create man.

#Done.
:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and
have dominion over the fish of the sea and over of the fowl of the air
and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth.

#Too many command operands! Try again.
:Run multiplication.

#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
:Insert breath.

#O.K.
:Run multiplication.

#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
:Move man to Garden of Eden.

#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
:Create Gard.En.

#Done.
:Move man to Gard.En.

#O.K.
:Run multiplication.

#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
:Copy woman from man.

#O.K.
:Run multiplication.

#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
:Insert woman into man.

#Illegal parameters. Try again!
:Insert man into woman.

#O.K.
:Run multiplication.

#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
:Create desire.

#Done.
:Run multiplication.

#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.

#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create freewill.

#Done.
:Run freewill.

#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.

#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Undo desire.

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
:Destroy freewill.

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Help!

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

:Create Treeofknowledge.

#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.

#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create good'nevil.

#Done.
:Activate evil.

#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning: System error in sector E95. Man'nwoman not in Gard.En.

#1 errors.
:Scan Gard.En. for man'nwoman.

#Man'nwoman cannot be located. Try again!
:Search Gard.En. for man'nwoman.

#Search failed.
:Delete shame.

#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
:Destroy freewill.

#Freewill an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
:Stop!

#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Break
:Break
:Break

#ATTENTION ALL USERS ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE SIGN OFF.
:Create new world.

#You have exceeded your allotted file space. You must destroy old
files before new ones can be created.
:Destroy earth.

#Destroy earth. Please confirm.
:Destroy earth confirmed.

#COMPUTER DOWN. COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME ON SUNDAY MARCH 8
AT 6:00 A.M. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW!

#And God signed off at 11:59 p.m., Friday, March 6.
#And God  - he had zero funds remaining.
---
Done.


Author's Name: Dr. Dipak R. Sarbadhikari
Contact address:
Click here
URL of pagewww.sarbadhikari.com/nethumor.htm
Updated: 13 Jan 2005

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