SMILE - A Collection of Medical Jokes

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A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist: "Do you have any Acetyl Salicylic Acid?"
"You mean Aspirin?" asks the pharmacist.
"That's it, I can never remember that word."

Doctor Asks the Nurse, " How's the new patient feeling?"
"Oh, he's much better," she replied, "he started talking this morning."
"What did he say?"
"He said he was feeling much worse."

My Grandfather always said, "If you're ill, go to the doctor after all he's got to live. If he prescribe some medicine, then go to the chemist after all, he's got to live. Then when you are back home throw everything away because after all, you've got to live too."
"There's nothing wrong with me," the young man told the doctor, "I just dropped by to tell you how much benefit I got from your treatments".
"I've never seen you before", said the doctor, "You're no patient of mine."
"I'm not, but my rich uncle was!"
"The Psychiatrist said to his receptionist. "Ah .... there goes the only woman I've ever loved".
"Ms Adler ?" She said "so why don't you marry her".
"Can't afford to," he said "she's my best patient."
A little old woman calling Mt. Sinai hospital says, "Hello darling. I'd like to talk to the person who gives information regarding your patients. I want to know if the patient is doing better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

"Do you know the patient's name and room number?"

"Yes, darling. She is Sarah Finkle in room 302"

"Oh yes. Mrs. Finkle is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, blood pressure is fine, blood work is normal and she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a few hours and, if she continues to improve, the doctor will send her home Tuesday afternoon."

"Thank God! That's wonderful! That's fantastic news, darling!"

"From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or close friend."

"No, I am Sarah Finkle in room 302, and the doctor doesn't tell me anything!"

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "Why there are three doctors there already!"
Mark showed up at the ENT OPD with two very red and sore ears.
Geez - what happened to you asked the doctor.
I was watching TV by the ironing board, said Mark. The phone rang, I picked up the iron instead, thinking it was the phone.
So, what happened to the other ear? asked the medic.
The idiot rang again.
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
I was depressed when I came back from the doctor's office yesterday.
" What's the matter," my wife asked.
"The doctor said I had to take these white pills every day for the rest of my life."
She said, "So, what's so bad about that?
" He only gave me seven."

A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician. "I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."

An old man on the operating table awaiting surgery, insisted
that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if
something happens to me . . . your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
During my surgical internship at David Hare Block with Prof M ( 1988)
a patient came in surgical consultation for a testicular mass. He also
complained of urgency and mucus per rectum (Doctor babu khub 'aam ' Hoche)
to which Prof M replied--"Ekhane Kathal ta dekhan--AAM ta lal bari te dekhaben".
-- Dr Shaibal Mazumdar (1982-87)

John: During my operation, Nurse, I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word that upset me very much.
Nurse: What word was that?
John: "Oops!"
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give me an example of something that you've forgotten?
Anaesthetist: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up after that operation?
A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Obstetrician: You have three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many are boys?
A: None.
Q: Do you have any girls?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
When he gets home, a man finds pregnant wife in labour, so he phones the hospital. "My wife is having contractions and they're only two minutes apart, what should I do?' he asks frantically.
"Is this her first child," asks the doctor.
"No!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"  -Martin Padwell

Author's Name: MCESA
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Updated: 24 Dec 2004

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